"it" just moved
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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