I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
