Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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