In the future we'll all be gay
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
