Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize