I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
