why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You pole danced in your parka.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize