bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
