hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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