Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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