he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
