God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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