She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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