I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize