The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
