Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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