He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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