I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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