last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
