you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
