walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I want a musical about memes.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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