Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Someone shit on the floor
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Randomize
