i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
