I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Nicole vs. Life
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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