Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
