Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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