Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
