I can't breathe out the right side of my face
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
