and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
