Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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