I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
