Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
