if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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