how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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