You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
