someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
