I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
