got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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