Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
