I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
