I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
