She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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