WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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