You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
