You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
