The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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