I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
