Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
