I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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