I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
