I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
