Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
