i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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