New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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